fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
should my penis look like a turkey
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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