My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
