Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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