They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
