nut hugger
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
