I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
