Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
