I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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