I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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