You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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