you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
