i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
