im about as happy as oj after his trial
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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