he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.