You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
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He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.