Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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