About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
