I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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