it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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