remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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