I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
