I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
