I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
