my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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