I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
