ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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