i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
