Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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