This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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