I cockslap morals
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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