i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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