I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
