I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
