Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
