I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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