mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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