i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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