we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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