I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
