Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
