I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
