my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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