How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize