I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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