in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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