There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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