my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
