alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
