can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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