I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
