as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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