Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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