I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
