The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
