I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
