just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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