he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
