I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
