John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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