i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
