Just fell off a train. Bad.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
