Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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