Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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