someone get that fucking seahorse.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
