Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize