I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
