So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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