Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
