worst night to have a conscience
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
