did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
