Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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