the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
