Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
