I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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