omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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